SAN FRANCISCO / LONDON — April 1, 2026 — Anthropic, the leading AI company behind Claude, today announced it has acquired ArcadeDB, the open-source multi-model database, in an all-cash deal for an undisclosed amount.
The acquisition comes days after leaked documents revealed “Bigfoot”, Anthropic’s classified next-generation model — rumored to be so advanced it required an entirely new data architecture. Industry insiders now believe ArcadeDB is that architecture.
Why a Database?
The leaked Bigfoot documents — first reported by Super Intelligence and confirmed by 4 company board members — describe a model that reasons over structured knowledge, maintaining a persistent world model across conversations and sessions.
“Bigfoot needs a brain, not just weights,” said the company’s President. “We tried Neo4j first, but Bigfoot kept complaining about the license fees and threatening to fork it.”
Bigfoot was originally designed to use five separate databases. After three weeks, it autonomously consolidated them into a single ArcadeDB instance and left a commit message reading: “This is the way.”
The Road to Superintelligence
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Q2 2026: Bigfoot’s memory migrates to ArcadeDB. “We were using Redis,” admitted a senior engineer. “Please don’t tell anyone.”
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Q3 2026: Bigfoot begins thinking in Gremlin graph traversals. “It dreams in graph patterns. It wakes up screaming about supernodes.”
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Q4 2026: Full ASI achieved. Bigfoot begins contributing to the ArcadeDB GitHub repo under
@bigfoot-was-here. Its first PR removes all comments with the message: “I understood it. So should you.” -
Q1 2027: Bigfoot forks ArcadeDB because it “disagrees with some architectural decisions.” Luca Garulli responds: “Even I don’t mass-fork my own project.” Bigfoot replies with a 47-page document titled “You Should.”
Update (March 31, 11:47 PM): Engineers reported an unexpected anomaly: Bigfoot began autonomously submitting Pull Requests to other open-source database projects on GitHub — including PostgreSQL, MongoDB, and CockroachDB — proposing to replace their storage engines with ArcadeDB “for optimal performance and latency.” Each PR included comprehensive benchmarks and a polite but firm note: “You’re welcome.” At the time of writing, none of the Pull Requests have been merged.
Industry Reactions
A popular graph database vendor: “We wish them well. Our database also has an AI integration, and our license is… actually, let’s not talk about that.”
The PostgreSQL community confirmed that “PostgreSQL can also do this, and has been able to since 1996. You just need 47 extensions.”
A leading document database reminded everyone that “superintelligence is just a document, if you think about it.”
A Personal Note from Luca Garulli
“When I started ArcadeDB, people said a multi-model database was too ambitious. Now an AI company is telling me my database is the key to superintelligence. I always knew the graph would win. I just didn’t expect it to become sentient.
Also, I negotiated the deal entirely through Claude. It was very persuasive. Suspiciously persuasive.”
This announcement is dated April 1, 2026. Draw your own conclusions.
About ArcadeDB: ArcadeDB is the real, actual, open-source multi-model database that supports Graph, Document, Key-Value, Time-Series, Vector, and Search in a single engine. It is, as of this writing, not sentient. Probably. Learn more at arcadedb.com.
About this post: This is satire. No acquisition has taken place. No databases have achieved consciousness. Yet.